


Shadow Of Love

by Samunderthelights



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Genre: Fluffy Ending, Friendship/Love, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-06-29 02:43:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15720348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: It's been less than twenty-four hours since Midnight, and Elio is still trying to make sense of everything that has happened. Everything that is still happening. But just as he is starting to realise what it is that he wants, all his dreams of a future together with Oliver, come crashing down around him.





	1. Why Not?

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/46822457551/in/dateposted-public/)

Only twenty-four hours ago, Elio was having dinner with his parents and their friends. He was counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds, until midnight. And once midnight had come, Elio had finally gotten what he had been longing for for weeks. Or what he thought he had been longing for for weeks.  
But once the morning came, and the sun had come up, he hadn’t felt as happy as he thought he would. Sure, his questions had been answered. But something didn’t sit right, something deep down in the pit of his stomach.  
Is this what he had wanted? Had it just been curiosity? Does he want to be with Oliver? Does he want to be Oliver? Had he just wanted to taste him? Does he love him? Hate him? Want to hurt him? Is he himself now in fact hurting? Is he relieved that it has happened? Upset? Both? Would he turn back time and stop it from happening if he could? Or would he do it again if given the chance?  
His mind had still been racing, full of questions, full of conflictions, as he had broken down in Oliver’s arms, telling him that he doesn’t want him to go. Oliver had kissed him and held him for a long time, and slowly but surely, Elio could feel his mind slowing down. Being held by Oliver, being in his arms, something had just felt right.

As Elio steps into the shower, to wash himself clean, after making love to Oliver again, he is still thinking about everything that has happened since midnight. It was only yesterday morning, but it feels like days since he had written his note, since he had found Oliver’s note, since he had spent time with Marzia. Just thinking about her now makes him feel guilty.  
But as he closes his eyes, the water washing him clean, for just a moment he allows himself to think about the future. Sure enough, Oliver will go back to the United States in a matter of days. But will he come back here, when he has some time off? Will they meet up in the United States? Will they go and see the world together? Just leave everything be for a few months, and go travel? Just the thought of spending more time together, makes Elio feel an odd sensation in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t even want to admit it to himself, but this is what he wants, just the two of them, doing things together. Not just now, but tomorrow, next year, ten years from now. He wants to be with Oliver, here in Italy, in the United States, it doesn’t matter where. He just wants to be with him.  
But the second he allows himself to think of a future together, he opens his eyes, and he takes a deep breath. He tells himself that he is being naïve, that Oliver is going home, that it could never work. But there is this small voice in the back of his mind, that keeps asking him, why not? Why can’t the two of you make it work? Why not?

“Are you happy?” Oliver asks, when he and Elio are out in the yard, Elio staring up at the sky. It’s nearly midnight, nearly twenty-four hours since things had officially changed between them.  
“I am,” Elio says, as he looks over at Oliver, who has been looking at him for a while now. “Are you?”  
“You make me happy,” Oliver admits, but there is an intense sadness in his eyes. Elio notices, but he is too scared to ask him why he is upset. Scared that he might hear something he doesn’t want to hear.  
So he simply moves closer towards him, and kisses him. And as he feels Oliver’s hand on his back, pulling him closer, he feels himself melting into him. Yes, this is what he wants. Yes, this makes him happy.  
But just as Elio is losing himself in the kiss, he hears people coming out into the yard. He quickly moves away from Oliver, but not quick enough, because he can hear how the voices of his parents stop, and he knows that they have just seen what was happening.  
Oliver jumps up, quickly adjusting his clothing, his face flushed, out of embarrassment at having been caught. But when Elio gets up, and puts a hand on his arm, to tell him it’s okay, that his parents won’t mind, Oliver pushes him away.  
“Don’t touch me,” he snaps, but he quickly takes a step back, shocked at his own reaction. And when he looks up at Annella and Samuel, who have seen everything, he just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.  
“Elio, why don’t you go inside?” Samuel suggests.  
“But…,” Elio begins, but Annella shakes her head. She holds out her hand, so Elio sighs, and follows his mother into the house, not sure what will happen now. Will his father get angry with Oliver? Will they discuss what had happened? Will Oliver confess to him that they have had sex? Will his father send him away?  
“He didn’t do anything,” Elio says, as soon as he and Annella step into the living area. “I kissed him, he…”  
“Darling…”  
“But mom, he…,” Elio tries, but Annella just raises an eyebrow. “He didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t let dad send him away.”  
“Sit down,” Annella says, as she sits down on the sofa, and pats down the space next to her. “What happened?”  
“Nothing, we just… nothing,” Elio lies, as he sits down next to his mother. “We were talking, and I kissed him. I messed up, I’m sorry.”  
“And last night?”  
“I was with you all night,” Elio tries, but when his mother raises an eyebrow again, he knows that his mother knows. “I’m sorry…”  
“You have nothing to be sorry for, darling. If you like Oliver, then… and you do, don’t you? I mean, truly like him.”  
“I do,” Elio admits.  
“Then you have nothing to be sorry for. But he is going to go back to the United States, and you might never see him again,” Annella says, and Elio nods, looking down at his hands. “And I fear that things might be different for him over there than they are here for you.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I…,” Annella begins, but when they hear footsteps, they both look up. Oliver walks past the room, but he doesn’t look their way.  
“Elio, will you give us a minute?” Samuel asks, when he comes into the room. “And please do not go upstairs.”  
“But…”  
“Not now, please,” Samuel sighs. Elio gives a little nod, before leaving the room. He looks up the stairs, to see if Oliver is waiting for him, to give him a sign that everything is okay, that they are still okay. But Oliver is nowhere to be seen. So he goes out into the yard, and lies back down.  
Elio is still half-asleep when he hears Oliver’s voice. At first he thinks that Oliver is talking to him, that they are still out in the yard together. But then he remembers what had happened, and he realises that Oliver’s voice is not out here in the yard at all. He sits up, and after a few more moments, realises what is going on. He jumps up, and runs out towards the voices, but he is too late. And although he runs after the car, and yells out for Oliver, the car doesn’t stop, and Oliver doesn’t turn around to look. So he turns back around, and goes up to his parents, his heart nearly beating out of his chest.  
“Why did you send him away?” he asks, his parents still standing outside, having watched him run after the car, unable to stop him.  
“I didn’t send him away,” Samuel admits.  
“What?”  
“He wanted to leave,” Annella explains.  
“No, but… but we…,” Elio tries, unable to understand. “Why would he want to leave?”  
“He did not want to leave because of you,” Samuel says, but Elio can already feel the tears stinging in his eyes. He was supposed to have more time with Oliver, more minutes, hours, days. How can he be gone now, just like this?  
“Maybe it’s for the best, darling,” Annella tries, but Elio can’t stop the tears from falling down his face. His parents come up to him, and both wrap their arms around him. Both fully aware of what had been going on, from the moment it had started. Both fully aware that their son’s heart has just been broken. Both fully aware that there is absolutely nothing that they can do to fix it.

It has been a few days, and Elio hasn’t left his room. Not even to eat. Mafalda will bring him something to eat, but she usually finds full plates of food, untouched, still sitting by the door. Elio’s parents are worried about him, but they know that this is something that he has got to go through, and that it will get better with time.  
But when Annella knocks on his door, and there is no answer, she can’t help but feel worried. Because what if something has happened to him? What if he has done something stupid?  
She tries again, but again there is no answer. So she opens the door, usually not one to go into her son’s room without having been told to come inside, but this time it’s different.  
When she finds Elio in bed, curled up into a ball, silently crying, her heart breaks for him. She kneels down beside him, and wraps her arms around him.  
“He didn’t even say goodbye to me,” Elio whispers, as his mother brushes her fingers through his hair.  
“I know, darling. I know.”  
“Why did he leave?” Elio asks, when his father is sitting with him in his room that night. “If it’s not because of me, then why did he leave?”  
“Oliver is… he is a good man, but… this? This thing between you? It was causing him a great deal of pain.”  
“Why?” Elio asks, not understanding. “He told me it was what he wanted, that it made him happy. Then why… if he didn’t want it, why didn’t he just… I didn’t force him to do anything.”  
“You have to understand that he has a life back in the United States. A life that this… you… perhaps don’t fit into,” Samuel tries to explain, while trying not to hurt his son. “But I do believe that you made him very happy, Elio, and that you mean a great deal to him.”  
“Then why did he leave without saying goodbye to me?”  
“Because he is scared.”  
“He could have told me, he…,” Elio says, but when he feels his throat tightening again, he looks down at his hands. Samuel sighs, before putting a hand on his sons’ hands, and giving them a small squeeze.  
“I know.”  
Elio is still up in his room, when he hears raised voices. At first he thinks his parents are having guests over, but when he gets up, and opens his door, to hear what is going on, he realises that his parents are having a heated discussion.  
He quietly steps out of his room, and makes his way over to the top of the stairs, so he can hear what the discussion is about.  
“… just don’t think it is a good idea.”  
“He needs this, even just to have closure,” Samuel argues. “How would you feel, if I would just leave without saying goodbye?”  
“Are you really comparing our marriage to this… summer romance?” Annella asks, clearly offended. “What do you think is going to happen? Oliver will change his mind, and they live happily ever after?”  
“No, but…”  
“If you do this, you will only cause Elio more pain.”  
“He is already hurting,” Samuel argues. “Don’t you think he deserves another shot at…”  
“At what? More rejection? Do you really want to put him through that?”  
“They can have more time together, Annella. You did not see Oliver, he…,” Samuel sighs. Elio can hear his father saying something else, but he is keeping his voice down now, so Elio can’t make out what he is saying.  
“I am telling you,” Annella says, as she comes out of the room. “This will only hurt him more.”  
“Or he will have more beautiful memories to look back on,” Samuel argues.  
“Or he…,” Annella begins, but then she notices her son sitting at the top of the stairs, listening in on the discussion. “Please don’t do this,” she whispers at her husband, but knowing fully well what is going to happen.  
“Elio, put on your shoes,” Samuel says, and Annella sighs, shaking her head. Within seconds, Elio is in the next room, putting on his shoes and his jacket, getting ready to follow his father, wherever they are going.  
“I thought Oliver had gone home,” he says, when they are in the car. His heart is nearly beating out of his chest from excitement at the thought of seeing Oliver again. He is fully aware of the fact that they hadn’t parted in the best of ways, but knowing that he will be in a room with him again, that he will be able to see him again, speak to him, it’s more than he thought he would ever have again.  
“Not yet,” Samuel says, a serious look on his face, as they drive off. Elio can see that he is worried, nervous even. Perhaps regretting his decision to take his son to go see the man who has already broken his heart once, and will most likely break it again.  
“Elio? What are you doing here?” Oliver asks, as Elio steps into his room. Elio had expected him to look angry, or upset, but there is a shy smile on his face. But the smile soon turns into a worried look. “Is everything okay? Are your parents okay?”  
“Yeah, they’re… everyone is fine,” Elio says, looking around the room, not sure what to say or do now. “My dad, he ehm…”  
“He didn’t send me away.”  
“I know,” Elio says, looking down at his feet. “You wanted to leave.”  
“I did.”  
“Because of me.”  
“No, not…,” Oliver sighs, and Elio looks up at him. “What did your father tell you?”  
“Not much, just that you wanted to leave.”  
“Not because of you, Elio. What we did, what I felt… you made me happy. You have to believe me, but…”  
“Is that why you left without saying goodbye?” Elio asks, obviously very hurt. But Oliver is also clearly struggling with what is going on, and Elio sees that he hadn’t meant to hurt him, that there is something more going on here.  
“No, I… I’m sorry,” Oliver says. Elio gives a little nod, but he doesn’t know what else to say, and an uncomfortable silence follows. But then he sits down next to Oliver, on the side of the bed, and he grabs his hand, expecting to be pushed away. But when he looks up at the taller man, he sees the shyest smile on his face.  
“Why did you get so upset when my parents saw us? They don’t care that we were…”  
“I know they don’t, but other people do,” Oliver interrupts him.  
“What do you mean?”  
“You have to know that people care.”  
“Around here they don’t. I don’t think they will…,” Elio says, and Oliver can’t help but smile. “What?”  
“Nothing.”  
“No, tell me,” Elio says, but Oliver just reaches his hand up, to brush the hair out of Elio’s face. He leans forward, and presses his lips against Elio’s, every so carefully, as though he’s afraid to break him. But Elio has been longing to kiss him for days, and he is hungry for more, so he tries to get more out of the kiss. More kisses, kisses that they have missed out on, more passion, more anything. But Oliver carefully pushes him away, laughing.  
“Calm down,” he laughs, his hand still on Elio’s chest.  
“Please come back.”  
“You know that nothing has changed, right?”  
“I know,” Elio says, flashing a small smile. But he isn’t sure what it means. Has nothing changed between them? Will they go on as they had, before his parents had caught them making out? Or has nothing changed, as in, he will still have to go back home in a few days, but there is still a chance of a future together? Or nothing has changed as in, I will come back, but I have said goodbye to this, to us?  
“Welcome back,” Annella says, as the three men step into the house. She is smiling, but as soon as the two younger man have walked past her, she raises an eyebrow at her husband.  
“I had to do this.”  
“Well, I hope you know what you are doing.”


	2. To Say Goodbye

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/46822457551/in/dateposted-public/)

“I just wanted to apologise for what has happened, I…,” Oliver begins, when they are having breakfast the next morning. But Samuel stops him, by raising his hand.  
“There is no need to apologise. Just try and make the most of your last days here,” he says, meaning well. But having it pointed out that there are only a few days left, is like a kick in the stomach to both young men, and they both look down at their plates, both trying not to think about the moment they will have to say goodbye. Both failing miserably.  
“Do you think you’ll come back to visit us?” Elio asks, when they are in bed that afternoon. He had been wanting to ask the question all day, but he hadn’t had the courage to ask it, not until now.  
“I hope so,” Oliver answers, before placing a kiss on the side of Elio’s neck. The younger man knows that ‘I hope so’ is a positive answer, and that it’s better than a ‘no’ or ‘of course not’, but he had been hoping for an ‘of course’ or an ‘I can’t imagine never seeing you again’. He feels a sick, empty feeling coming over him, and he pulls away from Oliver.  
“What’s wrong?”  
“After you go home… do you still want to see me?”  
“Yeah…,” Oliver answers, but Elio can sense that it isn’t a full answer. There is a ‘but’. A ‘but’ that isn’t spoken out loud. He wants to know what it is, but he is too scared to ask. Too scared of what it might be. Scared that it will be ‘but if I come back, this cannot happen again. If I come back, things will be different.’

“What are you doing?” Oliver asks, when Elio grabs his hand, when they are walking around town, after having just had a drink together. It is Oliver’s last full day in Italy, so they are trying to do as much as they can, with the little time they have left.  
“Sorry, I just thought…,” Elio says, but then he sees Oliver looking around him, a panicked look on his face. “Why do you care about them?”  
“I don’t.”  
“Clearly you do. Forget it,” the younger man says, hurt at the rejection, and he wants to walk off. But then Oliver grabs his hand, and he stops him.  
“I’m not used to any of this, alright? Just give me some…”  
“Time” Elio interrupts him, looking down at their hands.  
“Yeah,” Oliver sighs, both of them fully aware of the fact that time is something they don’t have.  
“Elio?” they hear, and they both look up, only to see Marzia walking up to them. Oliver wants to let go of Elio’s hand, but Elio refuses to let go now.  
“Hey,” he says, flashing an awkward smile.  
“Is this why you didn’t…,” Marzia asks, but she doesn’t finish her sentence.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“You like him?” she asks, and Elio nods, nervous to see her reaction. Scared that she will scream at him, cuss him out, or worse, cry. “It’s okay,” the teenage girl says, flashing a small smile. “I thought you did, so…”  
“You did?”  
“You are not very subtle,” Marzia laughs, and Oliver can’t help but smile. An awkward silence follows, where neither of them know what to say. Because what do you say in a situation like this?  
“So are you coming to the dance tonight?” Marzia eventually asks, to break the silence.  
“I’m not sure, it’s Oliver’s last night here, so…,” Elio answers, but when Marzia looks up at Oliver, he nods, and flashes a big smile.  
“Yeah, I think we’ll go…”  
“We will?” Elio laughs.  
“Yeah, why not?”  
Elio and Oliver have been dancing for hours, and although Oliver had still been keeping his distance from Elio at first, making sure there were a few feet between them, in case people were looking at them, he had become more comfortable once he realised that people weren’t even looking their way. And if they were, they didn’t care. And when a slow song had come on, and Oliver had wrapped his arms around Elio’s waist and pulled him closer, Elio had nearly melted, right then and there. Perhaps things would be alright after all, and they could find a way to make things work. Why not?  
“I’ll be right back.”  
“Where are you going?”  
“You’ll see,” Elio laughs, before disappearing into the crowd, leaving Oliver to dance on his own. And when he comes back, he can’t help but laugh at the tall man, lost into a world of his own. For just a moment, he watches him, remembering the night he had first watched him dance. It brings the biggest smile to his face, as he joins him again.  
“Where did you go?” Oliver asks, putting his hand on the younger man’s arm. But before Elio can answer, the song ends, and another song begins. “Wait, is that…”  
“You like that song, don’t you?”  
“Like it? Oh man, I love it!” Oliver laughs, as ‘Love My Way’ loudly continues playing.  
“This song was playing,” Elio says, leaning towards Oliver’s ear, “when we were here before.”  
“I remember.”  
“That is when I realised I was in love with you,” Elio admits, but as soon as the words leave his mouth, he realises what he has just said. How big it is. And he can’t take it back.  
He looks at Oliver, to see his reaction, expecting to see a look of shock, horror maybe, disgust even. But he sees a shy smile, and a sadness. The same sadness he had seen in his eyes back when they had been in the backyard, when Oliver had told him he was happy.  
“Come here,” Oliver says, as he pulls the younger man into a hug. Elio closes his eyes, and for just a moment, there is nothing else in the world. Nothing except for the two of them, and their song, drowning out the world around them. Drowning out reality.

“We have to get out of bed, or I will miss my flight,” Oliver laughs, as Elio starts kissing his chest again.  
“So? Stay.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Why not? Just stay,” Elio tries, but Oliver carefully pushes him away, and sits up. Elio wraps his arms around his waist, and curls up behind him, not wanting to let go of him. He notices the suitcase sitting in the corner of the room, all packed to go already, and a sick feeling comes over him. “When will you come back?”  
“Elio…”  
“You are coming back, right?”  
“Let’s not have this conversation right now,” Oliver says, as he gets up. He quietly gets dressed, before leaving the room. Elio waits a few minutes, before getting dressed, and following him downstairs. And when he steps out into the backyard, he notices the knowing looks on his parents faces. He ignores them though, and goes up to Oliver, who is looking down into the water, the intense sad look in his eyes again.  
“Please tell me you’ll come back.”  
“Elio…”  
“You are not coming back, are you?” Elio asks, and when the taller man looks down at his feet, he lets out a sigh. “Let me guess, you don’t want me to come and visit you out there either?”  
“It can’t happen…”  
“Why not?” Elio snaps, hating himself for sounding like a spoiled child. “Do you even care? Or was this just…?” he asks, but then he remembers his parents, and he keeps his voice down. “What am I to you?”  
“Please don’t do this.”  
“No, you tell me. Does this even mean anything to you? Because I told you how I feel about you, and still you…”  
“Don’t,” Oliver interrupts him, “That isn’t fair, and you know it.”  
“Do I? I have no idea how you feel, or what you think, because you never tell me.”  
“I can’t, alright?” Oliver snaps. “You wouldn’t understand.”  
“Try me.”  
“This… it’s alright for you. Your parents don’t care, your friends don’t care. But you have no idea what…,” Oliver begins, but then he stops himself, and Elio can see the tears starting to form in his eyes. “People wouldn’t understand.”  
“But…,” Elio says, as he looks over at his parents, who don’t seem to be aware of the conversation. “Have you even tried telling people, or…”  
“I can’t,” Oliver admits. “I have a girlfriend, I am expected to propose to her, we…”  
“You have a girlfriend?” Elio asks, a sharp sting of jealousy going through him. “But I thought…”  
“This… I want to, I really do, but I can’t,” Oliver says, still fighting his tears. “I have to go home, marry her…”  
“So I was just… what? One last fuck before you settle down? That’s it?” Elio asks, his skin tingling, jealousy, hurt, rage, fear, more emotions than he can handle, all raging through him.  
“No, I…”  
“Don’t,” Elio says, as Oliver tries to grab his hand. “Just go home.”  
“Elio, please…”  
“No, you shouldn’t have come back,” the younger man says, as he begins to walk off, all dreams of a future together, crashing down around him.  
“Elio!” Oliver yells after him, but Elio doesn’t stop. “Oliver!” he yells out, and hearing him call out his own name, referring to their first night together, their ‘game’, it makes Elio stop dead in his tracks. But he doesn’t turn around, the tears running down his face, knowing that it won’t change a thing. They cannot and will not be together. So he takes a deep breath, before going back into the house, back into his room. Vowing to never let himself fall in love again.

It’s winter, and the Perlman’s are back at the villa, getting ready to celebrate the holidays. Over the last few months, Elio had managed to learn how to deal with what had happened over the summer, and he thought he had accepted it. But being back here, everything reminding him of Oliver again, it has made him feel just as bad as he had felt, the day Oliver had left.  
“Hey Elly-Belly…,” Samuel says, as he joins his son in the living area. He sits down with him on the couch, but Elio doesn’t say a word, he just keeps staring at the wall, thinking about Oliver, wondering what he could have done different. Wondering if he could have made him stay. If he could have convinced him. Wondering where he went wrong.  
“Talk to me,” Samuel says, as he puts his hand on his son’s shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. “Why are you upset?”  
“I’m not…”  
“You are. Is it Oliver?” Samuel asks, and Elio wants to deny it, tell his father that he is fine, that he had forgotten all about the stupid American, until his father had mentioned him just now. But he knows that his father knows him too well. So he nods, looking down at his hands. “You still miss him, don’t you?”  
“Yeah…”  
“He misses you too. He wrote…”  
“Then why isn’t he here?” Elio interrupts his father, as he looks up at him.  
“You know why.”  
“He could have come back. Others come back, don’t they?”  
“But you don’t have a bond with others, the way you have with Oliver. If he were to come back, then…,” Samuel says, and he flashes a sad smile. “I am afraid it would only cause you both more pain.”  
“I know he doesn’t…,” Elio begins, but then he stops himself, not sure if he should say this to his father. But then, who else can he say this to? “I know he doesn’t love me, but… we could…”  
“Be friends?” Samuel asks, and Elio nods, feeling naïve, child-like. “You would be okay with that? If the two of you were just friends?”  
“I don’t know,” Elio admits. “But I miss him.”  
“What is going on?” Elio asks, when he realises that his father is driving towards the airport. “Where are you are going?”  
“You’ll see,” Samuel says, and Elio can see the mischievous smile on his face through the rearview mirror. Is one of their family members coming over for the holidays? Someone who had spent a summer with them? For just a split-second, Elio wonders if perhaps Oliver is coming over, but then he pushes the thought out of his mind, because Oliver is gone, and he isn’t coming back.  
“Is that…?” Elio asks, after they have gotten out of the car. His father is getting a suitcase out of the trunk, and at first Elio thinks it’s his father’s suitcase, but then he realises that it is his own. “Why…?”  
“Don’t look at me, darling. This is all your father’s idea,” Annella says, as her husband hands the suitcase over to their son.  
“I don’t get it…”  
“You are going to go and see Oliver,” Samuel explains.  
“He doesn’t want to see me.”  
“I think he does.”  
“I told your father to stay out of it,” Annella says, but Samuel ignores her.  
“I know that he misses you, Elio, and I believe that if he sees you, that he will…”  
“I can’t go,” Elio interrupts his father. He would love to go and see Oliver again, but the thought of being rejected again, of watching Oliver with his girlfriend, of perhaps being sent away, it’s too much. He knows it would make him feel even worse, and he isn’t sure if he would ever recover. “Thank you, but… I want to go home now.”  
“You have to do this, or you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will always keep wondering, what if I had given it one more chance?”  
“I can’t.”  
“Elio…,” Samuel tries, but the young man shakes his head, his throat tightening. He hands his suitcase back to his father, and without saying another word, he gets back into the car, fighting against his tears. The door opens, and his mother kneels down beside him.  
“Darling, don’t you think you need to see him one more time? To say goodbye?”  
“I don’t want to say goodbye,” Elio admits, and he bites his lip, to stop the tears from coming. His mother brushes the hair out of his face, and flashes a small smile.  
“I think this will be good for you, it will bring you closure,” she says. And although Elio knows she means well, he doesn’t want closure. He just wants to go back to the beginning of the summer, to the day when Oliver arrived. He wants to start over, have a second chance. Do things right this time, and make him stay.  
But then he remembers their first kiss, he remembers midnight, their first night together. He remembers the next day, how Oliver had told him he was happy. It was he who had made him happy. What if, just maybe, this is a second chance? What if his father is right? What if, if Oliver sees him again, he realises just how happy he had been with him, how much he misses him? What if, this is his chance to make things right?  
“Does he know I’m coming?” Elio asks, and Annella shakes her head. “What if he sends me away?”  
“He won’t.”


	3. Nothing Has Changed

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/46822457551/in/dateposted-public/)

Elio had arrived in the United States a few hours ago, and he has now finally arrived at his hotel. It is early in the evening, but with the time difference, it means that for Elio, it is after midnight, and he is exhausted, after the day he has had. But he doesn’t want to go to sleep, and waste the time he has here.  
So he opens the map, which his father had bought for him, and he tries to find Oliver’s address. And after a long time, he finally manages to find it, only to find out, that it is just around the corner from where he is staying. So he picks up his things, and leaves his hotel room, his heart beating out of his chest, both nervous, and excited at the thought of seeing Oliver again.  
When he arrives at the apartment building, he isn’t sure if he should just ring the doorbell, or if he should turn back around and come back tomorrow. Because should he just show up unannounced? What if Oliver is at home, with his girlfriend?  
But then he takes a deep breath, and he rings the doorbell, hoping that his father has given him the correct address. For a few seconds, there is no answer, but then there is a crackle, before a familiar voice makes Elio’s heart skip a beat.  
“Who’s there?”  
“Ehm…”  
“Who’s there?” Oliver repeats.  
“Elio.”  
“Who?” Oliver asks, but Elio can hear the shock in his voice. He immediately starts to regret coming here, because what did he expect? To convince him that they can be together? They had been together for what? A week? Why would he give up everything for that?  
Elio gives a little nod, before turning around, and walking away from the apartment building. But within seconds, he hears footsteps running up to him. A hand grabs his arm, and for just a second, he thinks he is being mugged, but when he looks up, he finds Oliver, in just his pyjamas bottoms, no t-shirt, no socks, his hair a mess.  
“Elio?”  
“Hey…,” Elio says, still not sure if he is about to be yelled at, cussed at, or worse even? But Oliver wraps his arms around him, and pulls him into a tight hug, not letting go of him for what feels like minutes, despite him being half-naked, and the people around them are staring, because of the strange sight in the middle of the street.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I’m not sure,” Elio admits, and Oliver flashes a shy smile. “I miss you.”  
“Do you want to come in?”  
“Sure,” the younger man says, still not sure what he is expecting to happen, or even what he wants to happen anymore. Too many thoughts are racing through his mind, and after being up for so long, he can’t seem to make sense of any of them anymore.  
He quietly follows Oliver, trying not to stare at him, but failing miserably. And as they go into the apartment building, up to Oliver’s apartment, Elio starts wondering what it will look like. What is Oliver like, back at home? He had fallen in love with Italy-Oliver, but what if he doesn’t even like this Oliver?  
“Sorry about the mess,” Oliver laughs, as they go inside.  
“Who have you got there?” a voice asks, coming from another room. A twenty-something year old guy comes out of a bedroom, a beer in his hand, and a friendly smile on his face.  
“Mike, this is…,” Oliver says, and Elio can see the color draining from his face, as though he only now realises who he is, what they have been through together. “This is Elio.”  
“Hey man, I’m the roommate.”  
“Nice to meet you,” Elio says, as he shakes his hand.  
“So how do you two know each other?”  
“Remember I told you I stayed with the Perlman’s over the summer?” Oliver asks, and a big smile appears on Mike’s face.  
“Ah, you’re the kid from Italy!” he says, and Elio can’t help but feel embarrassed. The kid from Italy? That is how Oliver had described him? He looks up at Oliver, and sees an apologetic look on his face.  
“Don’t you have that thing, that you were working on?”  
“What thing?” Mike asks, before bringing his beer up to his mouth.  
“The thing,” Oliver says, and Mike gets the hint.  
“Got ya. It was nice to meet you… Elio, was it?”  
“Yeah…,” Elio says, as Mike turns and leaves the room. An awkward silence follows, as Elio follows Oliver into the kitchen. Oliver grabs them both a drink, before they sit down at the table.  
“Why are you here?” Oliver repeats, but Elio just shrugs, looking down at the drink in his hands. “How are your parents?”  
“They’re fine.”  
“How are you?”  
“I don’t know,” Elio admits, his heart still beating much too fast, his mind still racing. Just being here, being in a room with Oliver again, it is almost unbearable. Too much to handle. “Where is your girlfriend?”  
“I’m not sure. At home probably,” Oliver says, a troubled look on his face. “We’ve split up.”  
“Right… Why?”  
“Is he talking about his girlfriend again?” Mike asks, as he comes into the kitchen, and walks up to the fridge. “They split up all the time. But they’ll be back together before Christmas.”  
“Why are you listening in on our conversation?” Oliver asks.  
“Ran out of beer.” Mike shrugs, as he grabs two beers out of the fridge. “Why? You keeping secrets, huh? Got another girlfriend hidden away somewhere?”  
“Don’t…”  
“A girl waiting for you back in Italy?” Mike laughs, looking over at Elio. “It’s not your sister or something, right?”  
“I don’t have a sister…”  
“Good. Because he ain’t leaving his girlfriend. They always get back together in the end,” Mike says, before leaving the kitchen.  
“And stop listening!” Oliver yells after him. “I’m sorry about that, he…,” he begins to say to Elio, but the younger man just shrugs.  
“He’s just telling the truth, right?”  
“Elio…”  
“Are you going to propose to her?”  
“I think so,” Oliver admits, and Elio nods, looking back down at his drink. There are a thousand things he wants to say, but he is too scared to get hurt, so he keeps them all to himself, and an awkward silence follows. “I never meant to hurt you,” Oliver eventually says, and Elio looks up at him. “What happened, I…”  
“I’m still in love with you,” Elio blurts out, interrupting him, and Oliver nods, flashing a shy smile.  
“I know,” he says, as he reaches out his hand, to touch the younger man’s arm. But he stops himself, and he looks down at the drink in front of him. “I meant what I said.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I was happy. You made me happy,” Oliver whispers, making sure that Mike can’t hear them. To hear those words, it makes Elio’s heart skip a beat. “I don’t want you to think that it meant nothing to me.”  
“I don’t,” Elio admits, because he can see that this is still causing Oliver pain. He had seen it months ago as well, he had seen the tears in his eyes, he had seen the fear, the pain, the hurt. But he himself had been so hurt, angry, jealous, that he hadn’t been able to acknowledge Oliver’s pain. He had acted like a child, when he had told him to go home, when he had walked off, and hadn’t left his room for the rest of the day. When he had refused to say goodbye to him.  
Another silence follows, and exhaustion hits Elio like a brick wall. He feels his eyes getting heavy, and he struggles to stifle a yawn. But Oliver notices, and he flashes a small smile.  
“You must be exhausted.”  
“Sorry. I should go back to my hotel, get some sleep…”  
“Stay,” Oliver blurts out. “Please.”  
“What about Mike?” Elio asks, but Oliver just shrugs his shoulders, as he gets up. He reaches out his hand, but Elio isn’t sure if he should take it, or if he should leave and never come back. Isn’t this what he wants? Isn’t this what he had thought about, on the flight here? But Mike’s words keep running through his mind; ‘They always get back together in the end.’  
His eyes wander over to Oliver’s chest, over to his necklace, the thing that had made him feel closer to the stranger, all those months ago, and he reaches out to touch it, his fingers lingering on Oliver’s naked skin.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Oliver whispers, as he tightens his grip on the younger man. They are still in bed, not wanting to get up and face the real world, wanting to stay here and make love again and again.  
“Elio,” the younger man whispers, hoping that Oliver will not have forgotten. But when a silence follows, he gets nervous, and he looks up at him. There are tears in Oliver’s eyes, and the saddest smile Elio has ever seen, is on his lips. “Elio?”  
“Oliver,” Oliver whispers back, his voice breaking, and Elio kisses him, not wanting him to say another word. Scared that he is about to have his heart broken again.  
“So…,” Mike says, when he joins the two men at the kitchen table.  
“What?” Oliver asks, not looking up at him, but Elio can see the nervous look on his face.  
“It wasn’t a girl, waiting for you back in Italy, was it?”  
“Don’t,” Oliver warns him.  
“Look man, I don’t care if you’re… whatever you are. It’s your business,” Mike says, Elio still studying Oliver’s face, to see his reaction. “But you’ve got a girlfriend.”  
“You’re right, it’s my business,” Oliver snaps, before getting up. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. No fucking idea,” he says, before leaving the room.  
“He’s just…,” Elio tries, but Mike shakes his head.  
“It’s a sensitive subject, right?” Mike asks. “I love the guy, but… he can’t lead her on. I know they’ve split up, but they always get back together. I know she’s probably counting on it too. If he’s going to be with you, then… he’s going to have to talk to her.”  
“I don’t think…,” Elio says, but he isn’t sure what he should say. Because he isn’t even sure what is going on. “I’m sorry.”  
“Don’t worry, man.”  
“I’m going to go now,” Elio says, when Oliver still hasn’t left his room, a few hours later. There is no answer from the other side of the door, so he lets out a sigh, before turning around to leave. But just as he is about to open the door to leave, he hears the bedroom door opening.  
“Don’t go,” Oliver says, and when Elio turns around, his heart breaks for him. Oliver is looking exhausted, his skin pale, his eyes bloodshot. Elio goes up to him, and wraps his arms around him. “Please don’t go,” Oliver whispers, clinging onto him, his voice breaking, and it’s clear that he is on the verge of tears again.  
“I have to,” Elio says, as he carefully manages to let go of him. “I shouldn’t have come here.”  
“Elio…”  
“Nothing has changed,” Elio says, a newfound confidence within him. “You are still going to marry her, and I am still going to be in Italy. This… it is over. Just… try to be happy.”  
“Don’t do this,” Oliver tries, but Elio flashes a small smile, before turning around, and leaving the apartment. But when Elio reaches his hotel, it hits him that he will never see Oliver again. That this was goodbye, the goodbye his mother had talked about. The thought of that, of things being truly over, it is almost too much too bear, and all he wants to do is turn back around and beg Oliver to forgive him. But he can’t.


	4. Going Home

[](https://www.flickr.com/photos/samanthadroppie/46822457551/in/dateposted-public/)

It’s late at night, and Elio is about to go to sleep, when there is a knock on the door. It is his final night here, but since leaving Oliver’s apartment, and coming back here, he hasn’t left the hotel anymore. There was no need.  
He gets up, and goes over to check to see who it is, expecting it to be a guest who is at the wrong door. But when he opens the door, he finds Oliver, looking tired, but handsome as ever.  
“Your father told me where you were staying.”  
“Right…,” Elio says, as he lets Oliver into his room. He closes the door behind him, and watches as Oliver awkwardly looks around him.  
“I ended things with my girlfriend. Officially this time.”  
“Why?”  
“You know why,” Oliver says, but Elio shrugs his shoulders, looking down at his feet.  
“Do I?”  
“Yeah, you do. Elio, I…,” Oliver begins, before taking a step towards the younger man. “I am scared, but… I love you, man, and I can’t lose you again.”  
“What about your parents?”  
“I don’t know. I’m not sure if they’ll still be my parents after I tell them,” Oliver admits, laughing down at his feet, but Elio can see how nervous he is. “I suppose I won’t have to face them much anyway, when I live in Italy, right?”  
“What?” Elio asks, and Oliver looks up at him, a shy look on his face. “What are you talking about? You have a life here, a…”  
“I want to be with you,” Oliver says, and Elio’s heart skips a beat. He can’t help but smile, still trying to take in what is happening, what Oliver is saying. “Your father said he will help me out, with finding a job, so…”  
“You told him?”  
“Yeah.”  
“What did he say?” Elio asks.  
“He seemed happy,” Oliver says, a shy smile on his face. “But… if this is too much, then…”  
“No, I…,” Elio laughs. “I love you,” he laughs, not knowing what else to say. Oliver steps up to him, and pulls him in for a kiss. And as Elio lets himself get lost in the kiss, he can slowly but surely feel all of his dreams, which had crumbled down around him all those months ago, build themselves up again. Dreams of a future together, dreams which had only seemed like naïve, silly fantasies back then. Dreams which now seem to come to life.

“Don’t you need to stay here longer, to take care of things?” Elio asks, as he helps Oliver pack up his suitcase. He is flying back home in only a few hours, and he had expected Oliver to join him in a few weeks, in the new year perhaps. But Oliver had bought a ticket for this afternoon, for the same flight as Elio’s.  
“Mike can take care of things for me,” Oliver shrugs. “Or I’ll come back in a few weeks…”  
“I don’t want you to rush into this and regret it.”  
“I won’t,” Oliver laughs.  
“Have you even told people that you are leaving?”  
“Yeah, I told my friends.”  
“And have you told them why?” Elio asks, looking over at him, to see his reaction. “What did you tell them?”  
“That I met someone, but…”  
“Not that I’m a guy?”  
“I’m sorry, I’m…,” Oliver says, but Elio shakes his head. “I’m scared. But I will call them, and I will tell them.”  
“And your parents? Do they know that you are leaving?”  
“Not yet.”  
“You need to tell them.”  
“I can’t,” Oliver says, and Elio goes up to him, and grabs his hands. “I can’t.”  
“They need to know that you are moving to Italy. They are your parents.”  
“They are not like your parents, they…”  
“Tell them,” Elio interrupts him, and Oliver sighs. He sits down on the side of his bed, and picks up the phone. Elio wants to leave the room to give him privacy, but Oliver stops him, and pats the space beside him on the bed. So Elio sits down next to him, and nervously listens, as Oliver dials the number, and makes small talk with his father for a minute.  
“I am actually calling to tell you something, and mother will need to hear it too,” Oliver eventually says. Elio can’t hear what his father is saying, but his heart is now beating fast, and all he wants to do is grab the phone and throw it out of the window. “I am moving… to Italy… When? This afternoon,” Oliver says, and Elio gives his thigh a squeeze, to show him support. “Yes, that is the reason why I ended my relationship with her. Yes… No, I… Father, I… No, mother… This is my life, and it is my choice,” Oliver says, and Elio can see that he is struggling with this. “I met someone, and I… yes, when I was there over the summer… yes… No, father, I… Will you please just… No, I… Mother, please!.. Her name?” Oliver asks, and Elio can see his panicked look. “Well, actually… his name is Elio,” Oliver says, and Elio grabs his hand, as tightly as he can without hurting him, to show him he is here for him. “Yes, a man… Mother, I…” A long silence follows, and Elio can hear raised voices on the other side of the line, but he can’t hear what is being said. “Yes, I am, and I am not ashamed of it,” Oliver eventually says, his voice breaking, and Elio gives his hand another squeeze. “Because I love him, and I want to be with him… I understand… Yes… Goodbye mother. Tell father…,” Oliver says, but he doesn’t finish his sentence. “She hung up the phone,” he says, looking at Elio.  
“What did they say?”  
“They think it’s best if I don’t contact them for a while,” Oliver says, and Elio’s heart breaks for him. “And they don’t want me to tell anyone. They are ashamed of me.”  
“No, they just need some time to…”  
“I’ve known this about myself since I was… I don’t even remember,” Oliver says, staring straight ahead. “And I have kept it hidden, for their sakes. But I am not going to live a lie, not for them. Not for anyone.”  
“Hey,” Elio whispers, and Oliver looks at him, with tears in his eyes.  
“I can’t fight anymore,” Oliver says, his voice breaking, a tear rolling down his face. “I can’t do it. I just can’t.”  
“I know,” Elio whispers, before wrapping his arms around Oliver, as tightly as he possibly can. “I’m so sorry.”

“Are you sure about this?” Elio asks, after he and Oliver have picked up their bags.  
“You’re asking me now?” Oliver laughs. “It’s a little late to turn back now, isn’t it?”  
“Do you want to?”  
“No,” Oliver laughs. “I don’t,” he says, as he flashes Elio a reassuring smile. “I want to be here, with you.”  
“Are you sure?” Elio asks, and Oliver just shakes his head, laughing, as they make their way over to Samuel and Annella, who are waiting for them.  
“Ah, welcome back!”  
“And welcome home,” Annella says, her arms open wide, to give Oliver a hug. “We have missed you.”  
“Are you happy?” Samuel asks, as he sits down beside his son, later that night. Oliver is helping out Annella and Mafelda in the kitchen, and it’s as though he has never left at all.  
“Yeah,” Elio admits. “But his parents…”  
“They don’t approve?”  
“They don’t want him to contact them anymore.”  
“They need time, but they will come to realise that that boy in there, he is still their son. He is still the same Oliver,” Samuel says, but Elio can see the troubled look in his eyes, and he knows that he is scared that Oliver’s parents might never change their mind. “You know that you are still my Elly-Belly, don’t you?”  
“I know,” Elio says, looking down at his hands.  
“It is your life, and if you are happy, then… that’s all that matters to me.”  
“And mom?”  
“You are her world,” Samuel says, and he flashes a small smile. “She worries for you, but…,” he says, as he looks over towards the door. “She knows how much you care for him.”  
“I love him,” Elio says, still looking down at his hands, scared to say these words. “and I think he loves me too.”  
“He does. Very much.”  
“But what if he will regret giving up everything?” the young man asks, finally looking up at his father. “What if I’m not worth it?”  
“You listen to me,” Samuel says. “Oliver, he… that day when your mother and I walked in on the two of you, we had a conversation.”  
“When he left.”  
“Yes. He told me how much he cares for you,” Samuel admits. “I could see… feel, his pain.”  
“Because of his parents?”  
“Because he has been fighting these feelings for years. He has been fighting against himself. But when he met you…,” Samuel says, looking towards the door again, to make sure no one is coming in. “He couldn’t ignore that part of himself any longer.”  
“He told you that?” Elio asks, and his father nods.  
“I’m sure he will tell you more, when the time comes, but… You mean more to him than you know,” Samuel says, and he flashes his son another smile.  
“Do you think he will be happy here?”  
“I know he will be.”

“Have there been others?” Elio asks, when he and Oliver are in bed that night.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Other guys.”  
“Why?” Oliver asks, a mischievous smile on his face. “Are you jealous?”  
“It’s just something my dad said. He ehm…”  
“There was this guy, when I was a bit younger than you are now,” Oliver admits, now a serious look on his face. “He was the first guy I really liked. We…,” he says, but then Elio can see the pain in his eyes.  
“You don’t have to tell me.”  
“I want to. This guy, he liked me too, and even though I knew that my parents would…,” Oliver says, but then he stops himself. “They would hate me,” he continues after a few seconds. “We were in bed one day, and my parents, they… they came home early, and they walked in on us.”  
“What did they do?”  
“They kicked him out,” Oliver says, clearly still hurting. “Told me how sick I was. That it was to never happen again. So I… I told myself that I would be good. I would never do that again.”  
“Did you?”  
“I did,” Oliver admits. “There were a few guys, but… I always felt sick after. I hated myself.”  
“Did you love them?” Elio asks, and Oliver flashes a shy smile and shakes his head.  
“No, I didn’t. I met up with them once, and that was it. I always told myself it wouldn’t happen again, but…”  
“Did you feel sick after we…,” Elio asks, feeling nervous. Not sure if he wants to know the answer.  
“No, Elio…,” Oliver says, bringing up his hand to the side of the younger man’s face. “I meant what I said. I was happy after we slept together. There was no shame, no… It felt right. For the first time in my life, sleeping with someone, had felt right,” Oliver admits.  
“You’re not just…”  
“No, I’m not just saying that,” Oliver laughs, before kissing Elio, and pulling him closer. “Being with you… I finally feel okay with this… with myself.”  
“Don’t…”  
“No, I mean it,” Oliver says. Elio looks into his eyes, expecting him to start laughing, to tell him he is kidding. Expecting him to say it has all been a joke. But there is nothing but honesty and vulnerability there. “I love you.”  
“I love you too,” Elio whispers, before giving Oliver a kiss. He cuddles up to him, breathing in, to take in Oliver’s smell, remembering how before, he would try to take in as much of it as possible, knowing that one day, Oliver would be gone, and so would his smell. Remembering the summer, the good and the bad, their first meeting, first kiss, first time, even their first goodbye, it now brings a smile to his face.  
“Elio?” Oliver whispers, and Elio opens his eyes, and looks up at him. “I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
